I feel very unappreciated. No one bothers in my family. I'm really starting to hate my family. My aunty is being really rude to me and being such a bitch, and I already had two bad dreams about her so that may signify that she's fucking evil and I shouldn't trust her anymore. On the other hand, my mum is PMs-ing like crazy and she's invading my life and scolding me 24/7 and getting angry for no right reason. Thanks for scolding me ah, you have no idea what scolding does to me. I feel pathetic that no one appreciates me and my efforts and they'll never know how much I have put in just to please them. Worked so hard for my exams, got rather good results and all I got from my mum was a nod and "good", that's all, end up getting some PMS-y scolding from her for no reason. :(

What the fuck, so all my 3 weeks of non-stop mugging is under appreciated, well fuck you.

Left out

One more paper before freedommm. But i have a really bad feeling about my results and i think i screwed my languages badly. I just know it.
Anyway, still having dumbass friendship problems within my class. Again, that stupid bitch left me out in her outing with her new found friends. Boohoo. Please note my sarcasm. Can't believe that she's my first friend in 3H and now we're so far apart and awkward. I already know she prefers the rest of her new found friends over me, meh. Maybe because i don't go down during recess, but my habit shouldn't affect it..right? I blame my awkwardness to mix around with her new found friends, but she doesn't even bother so why should i? Feel like some extra pig there in their group. My only close friend i can trust is shanice now, sighpie.

Stupid bitch urghhh i hate her. I want to get back with her together but how? And she thinks i'm boring or something, always saying "not free" when i try to arrange stuff with her. "Oh i have a study group", "i'm going to the dentist", "i'm going home with another friend." I'm glad that the CTs have distracted me with all these crap problems that aren't even important. So... The drama continues later.

I HOPE YOU DIE BITCH LOLOL.

Stress

Just got a reality check. Not really in a mood to blog about my birthday.
Anyway tried revising for physics today. Planned to finish the whole thing but i really couldn't absorb anything. Started doing the mock paper and realised i was stumped at half of the questions. Later found out i lost two practical worksheets and panicked like mad. Suddenly brokedown and cried. Really i'm lost in the world of physics.  Regret not studying earlier and i thought i could get it. But really, i couldn't.
Skipped dinner to revise for physics and tried to calm myself down. Finally realised im running out of time. With all those other distractions, choir practices, i'm really panicky. Feel like crying whenever i can't do anything wtf.
Ok bye

Pre birthday.

So.. less than 3 hours to my birthday.. Nope, I think it's 12 hours. Cox I was born at 11am or smth like that lol *_*

Anyway, today was pretty depressing-yet-happy. Firstly, skipped breakfast just to study *_* And then was hoping my old secondary school friends would at least remember and do smth for me, but no, unfortunately. A bit disappointed since I was the one who normally organises surprises for my clique. SO apparently no one cares now. GREAT. Now i know giving is not all about returns, but when I saw C today before school, I think she had absolutely no clue that tmr was my birthday, and continued chatting as if nothing happened. Great job i clap for you lol.

Basically I'm taken for granted again, quite used to it already since I have been feeling like that since the beginning of this year. Don't really have anyone to go to since I don't think anyone will understand. Only yonglin and alyssa remembered tmr was my birthday thank you dear.

I don't really need any gifts from my friends, all I am asking for is a little handwritten card, a simple greeting, something to symbolise that they actually take notice of me and don't treat me as junk. Don't really like my close 3H clique since we are all so divided and hardly talk, it's getting so awkward and I hate it. The only thing I look forward to in school is to go home where I can study wtf and I can spend time with my true best friend called the laptop.

Not expecting birthday wishes tmr I think they all probably forgot. *_* Learnt not to have too high expectations.

Had to stayback today for choir admin matters and turns out I can't skip the CIP or else I have to find my own to do or do the one that is 2 DAYS BEFORE CT NO THANKS. There goes 3 hours of my studying time. Sighpie.

No one cares.

So my mum wanted me to order a birthday cake and then she asked me to order from some shops near my place. Problem is, I've been ordering stupid cakes near my house since I was young and I'm extremely bored of it. So I told her I wanted to go to this place in Thomson to order cakes. And then my mum started giving me this lecture about how troublesome it is to get a cake there and I should just go get a over-the-counter cake at bengawan solo.

Btw, I'm terribly sick and tired of this outlets up till now I don't want to buy anything there anymore. I just want a different birthday cake now, understand? It only happens once a year, thus I really must celebrate it well. And then my mum scolded me and said next time she'll just order one of these cheap cakes and I got damn pissed. And then she even restricted my choices. When I said chocolate: "TOO SWEET", when I siad durian: "SOME PEOPLE DON'T LIKE DURIANS IN OUR FAMILY." Well I really really want a durian cake and then she just told me to buy a blackforest one. Hello isn't it my birthday? I feel like no one understands me. It's my birthday, just let me have it my way for once?

You know what, I don't think I even want to celebrate my birthday anymore. WHo cares about my stupid birthday anyway? NO ONE. Yeah no one even cares if I die. I'm in no mood for my birthday and this year has been a really bad year. I don't even have time for my birthday cox of the CTs? What birthday? I bet none of my friends even care about me or even give a shit about me. I'm always the dumb little girl in their eyes who is uncool. I'm always treated as the second option, obviously. Everything is crashing down, my results, my friendships, my emotions, all crumbling down into dust. What's happened to me? Seriously I used to be so happy last year, and now I cry almost every week.

Just screw everything. I think I'm better off dead.

Progress!!!

Current weight. Aim to go below 43 and I'll be damn happy.

Ok bye. Took me a lot of effort to resist snacks and quite happy my efforts paid off. Have been eating snack bars/ wholegrain biscuits/ vegan food for lunch for the week. -_-  

A little self reflection

Today was a bad day. It was April Fools but it's a pity I didn't bother to prepare anything :( Oh and tried to switch classes with 3L but I missed it cox I was in the toilet HAHAH. And then we tried to call Ms LIm "Mummy" but apparently she didn't hear as properly :( Didn't get pranked also! Ohmygod my life is so boring.

And then choir practice was really horrible. Cox today we went to the audi to sing today. Ends up we screwed up badly for one of the songs and then we gave up. Well not really, we still continued but you get what I mean.

Later the conductor gave us a lecture on how we shouldn't give up and yada yada. She asked how many people continued fighting on despite the setback and of course the whole choir raised their hand -_-To be honest, I kind of "broke down", I didn't stop singing, but my voice kind of grew softer. However I was really too embarrassed to say it out. Of course I'll only dare to write it here.

And then she started asking if we should have re auditions again and then I OBVIOUSLY DID NOT SUPPORT LAH. I mean everyone in the SYF choir has already worked hard to pass the auditions, and since everyone has spent their time and effort going for choir pracs, why should we destroy someone's wish of being on stage? And I think it's extremely ridiculous to take someone out of a competition LESS THAN A WEEK BEFORE THE ACTUAL COMPETITION. I mean you've worked your asses off for months and then you suddenly receive the news that you're not suitable for the competition? I'll obviously be damn pissed and ask them to go screw themselves *_* Sorry I'm being really mean but I really find this logic unreasonable.

For me, I feel that happiness is equals to being able to perform on SYF. If YOU did your best, you shouldn't care about how others people did. As long as you put in your everything, I think that is enough already, I'll be able to walk off stage happily. But being able to perform in SYF is a good thing already lorh. SEE SEE SEE I TOLD YOU THE CHANGING OF RULES DIDN'T MAKE SENSE, IT'S STILL THE SAME.

We should be nice and let everyone on stage! :D ALthough it's not good for the whole choir, at least everyone is happy that they get a chance to participate!

Something that one of the seniors said really got me thinking, "You're fighting hard enough, but you're fighting hard to get a place in SYF, not fighting to perform well for the choir."

I really think that's true, cox I'm doing that. During the mini reauditions, I always seriously giving my all and pushing myself as much as possible, all because I wanted a place for SYF. Of course, it's human nature. As humans, we are all selfish. Imagine there are 30 people in the room and only 24 buns left, of course everyone will fight for it. Who wants to sacrifice themselves for the good of others? No way. Yeah, so I guess fear is the only way to push us and make us go faster I guess :P So I'm gonna use this fear to push myself even more *_*

3 more practices to SYF, I hope it goes well.

PS: I'm getting back chinese papers tmr, wish me luck okay I think I'm gonna cry in school tmr. I pray so badly that I won't fail after that scare months ago.

Also, my chinese tutor just gave birth wtf, on the same day as xiaxue. So she won't be able to give me tution for a month. I guess that can be a good thing because I want to see if I still can cope without her, cox honestly she hasn't really been putting in much effort. I guess after a certain period of time people just slack off thinking you're ok with it?