And i'm very scared. I'll be doing a diary of my "study journey", just to record my prog :) And hope you won't be bored to death by this.
25 Sept 2012
I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m just scrambling everywhere for notes, practices. But what have I been doing. I don’t feel accomplished at all even though I finished almost all about biology today. I just feel something is..missing. Everytime I complete something, my head will keep saying:
“You didn’t study enough today. Study more! More is better! Time is running out! You just wasted one day.”
Ugh, I just don’t feel secure even with studying. I’m terribly scared for geography and history. I don’t want to do badly and be a great disappointment, imagine all the shame and guilt facing me if I get a bad result.
Ever since I failed history, i’ve been feeling insecure as ever. What? Does this mean all the As I’ve been getting for my daily assignments the whole year has been.. worthless? Crap?
Maybe I worry too much. I just think I can’t get anything right.
Chinese is unpredictable because my compre sucks.
LA I don’t know because I only improved recently out of luck(?)
Math.. Well I think I can get an A but can’t be too sure
Science.. I think I can get an A! But can’t be too confident also
History and geog.. Idk lah. Sigh. I would be bloody happy if I could get a B.
I need my 2.93 GPA. Badly. I want it badly and desperately.
It’s a matter of how much I want it.
Ok, I made sacrifices like deleting twitter and insta and games from my phone, but not enough.
1) I pledge not to go on the computer on afternoons
2 )I pledge not to touch the ipad(which connects me to insta and twitter)
3) I pledge to give all my best everyday.
And
29 Sept 2012
Horrible day today.
So I showed my mum my chinese results, and she was obv pretty pissed because i failed 综合天空 (6/20) which was extremely bad. She then scolded me for not making use of my tuition teacher, and then gave me a lessoon on money and how she paid $85 for each lesson and it's wasted blah blah. And I don't blame her for that, but my chinese is really bad. Yeah, language is something that you can't pick up overnight, but i just hate chinese a lot. My vocabulary is limited and is as good as a 12 year old's.
And then I cried (not hysterically, but i was sniffing), feeling like such a pathetic person who sucks balls at evrything. WHat made it worse was that my chinese tuition was next, and I didn't bring any tissue, so i was trying to cover up my swollen looking face and wiping away the mucus with my hands that kept flowing (yucks) My mum really PMSes really bad ALL THE TIME. SOmetimes for not putting the buttons back, for not eating my fish oil, for revising too much on a particular topic (wtf), not bringing my PE shirt back to school etc. Which i really can't stand. SOmetimes I even curse secretly, hoping that she'll go mute one day and not speaking a single word again.
I have to prove to everyone that I'm not as stupid/dumb/useless as they think, and prove that i've been working fucking hard. Ok, fucking hard may be an overstatement. And also I can't disappoint my teachers because i've been making some improvement in various subjects. And of coursse, not let my friends look down on me. Ok i admit i'm extremely competitive.
Well now I can just pray the topics I studied will come out.
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