Stress

Just got a reality check. Not really in a mood to blog about my birthday.
Anyway tried revising for physics today. Planned to finish the whole thing but i really couldn't absorb anything. Started doing the mock paper and realised i was stumped at half of the questions. Later found out i lost two practical worksheets and panicked like mad. Suddenly brokedown and cried. Really i'm lost in the world of physics.  Regret not studying earlier and i thought i could get it. But really, i couldn't.
Skipped dinner to revise for physics and tried to calm myself down. Finally realised im running out of time. With all those other distractions, choir practices, i'm really panicky. Feel like crying whenever i can't do anything wtf.
Ok bye

Pre birthday.

So.. less than 3 hours to my birthday.. Nope, I think it's 12 hours. Cox I was born at 11am or smth like that lol *_*

Anyway, today was pretty depressing-yet-happy. Firstly, skipped breakfast just to study *_* And then was hoping my old secondary school friends would at least remember and do smth for me, but no, unfortunately. A bit disappointed since I was the one who normally organises surprises for my clique. SO apparently no one cares now. GREAT. Now i know giving is not all about returns, but when I saw C today before school, I think she had absolutely no clue that tmr was my birthday, and continued chatting as if nothing happened. Great job i clap for you lol.

Basically I'm taken for granted again, quite used to it already since I have been feeling like that since the beginning of this year. Don't really have anyone to go to since I don't think anyone will understand. Only yonglin and alyssa remembered tmr was my birthday thank you dear.

I don't really need any gifts from my friends, all I am asking for is a little handwritten card, a simple greeting, something to symbolise that they actually take notice of me and don't treat me as junk. Don't really like my close 3H clique since we are all so divided and hardly talk, it's getting so awkward and I hate it. The only thing I look forward to in school is to go home where I can study wtf and I can spend time with my true best friend called the laptop.

Not expecting birthday wishes tmr I think they all probably forgot. *_* Learnt not to have too high expectations.

Had to stayback today for choir admin matters and turns out I can't skip the CIP or else I have to find my own to do or do the one that is 2 DAYS BEFORE CT NO THANKS. There goes 3 hours of my studying time. Sighpie.

No one cares.

So my mum wanted me to order a birthday cake and then she asked me to order from some shops near my place. Problem is, I've been ordering stupid cakes near my house since I was young and I'm extremely bored of it. So I told her I wanted to go to this place in Thomson to order cakes. And then my mum started giving me this lecture about how troublesome it is to get a cake there and I should just go get a over-the-counter cake at bengawan solo.

Btw, I'm terribly sick and tired of this outlets up till now I don't want to buy anything there anymore. I just want a different birthday cake now, understand? It only happens once a year, thus I really must celebrate it well. And then my mum scolded me and said next time she'll just order one of these cheap cakes and I got damn pissed. And then she even restricted my choices. When I said chocolate: "TOO SWEET", when I siad durian: "SOME PEOPLE DON'T LIKE DURIANS IN OUR FAMILY." Well I really really want a durian cake and then she just told me to buy a blackforest one. Hello isn't it my birthday? I feel like no one understands me. It's my birthday, just let me have it my way for once?

You know what, I don't think I even want to celebrate my birthday anymore. WHo cares about my stupid birthday anyway? NO ONE. Yeah no one even cares if I die. I'm in no mood for my birthday and this year has been a really bad year. I don't even have time for my birthday cox of the CTs? What birthday? I bet none of my friends even care about me or even give a shit about me. I'm always the dumb little girl in their eyes who is uncool. I'm always treated as the second option, obviously. Everything is crashing down, my results, my friendships, my emotions, all crumbling down into dust. What's happened to me? Seriously I used to be so happy last year, and now I cry almost every week.

Just screw everything. I think I'm better off dead.

Progress!!!

Current weight. Aim to go below 43 and I'll be damn happy.

Ok bye. Took me a lot of effort to resist snacks and quite happy my efforts paid off. Have been eating snack bars/ wholegrain biscuits/ vegan food for lunch for the week. -_-  

A little self reflection

Today was a bad day. It was April Fools but it's a pity I didn't bother to prepare anything :( Oh and tried to switch classes with 3L but I missed it cox I was in the toilet HAHAH. And then we tried to call Ms LIm "Mummy" but apparently she didn't hear as properly :( Didn't get pranked also! Ohmygod my life is so boring.

And then choir practice was really horrible. Cox today we went to the audi to sing today. Ends up we screwed up badly for one of the songs and then we gave up. Well not really, we still continued but you get what I mean.

Later the conductor gave us a lecture on how we shouldn't give up and yada yada. She asked how many people continued fighting on despite the setback and of course the whole choir raised their hand -_-To be honest, I kind of "broke down", I didn't stop singing, but my voice kind of grew softer. However I was really too embarrassed to say it out. Of course I'll only dare to write it here.

And then she started asking if we should have re auditions again and then I OBVIOUSLY DID NOT SUPPORT LAH. I mean everyone in the SYF choir has already worked hard to pass the auditions, and since everyone has spent their time and effort going for choir pracs, why should we destroy someone's wish of being on stage? And I think it's extremely ridiculous to take someone out of a competition LESS THAN A WEEK BEFORE THE ACTUAL COMPETITION. I mean you've worked your asses off for months and then you suddenly receive the news that you're not suitable for the competition? I'll obviously be damn pissed and ask them to go screw themselves *_* Sorry I'm being really mean but I really find this logic unreasonable.

For me, I feel that happiness is equals to being able to perform on SYF. If YOU did your best, you shouldn't care about how others people did. As long as you put in your everything, I think that is enough already, I'll be able to walk off stage happily. But being able to perform in SYF is a good thing already lorh. SEE SEE SEE I TOLD YOU THE CHANGING OF RULES DIDN'T MAKE SENSE, IT'S STILL THE SAME.

We should be nice and let everyone on stage! :D ALthough it's not good for the whole choir, at least everyone is happy that they get a chance to participate!

Something that one of the seniors said really got me thinking, "You're fighting hard enough, but you're fighting hard to get a place in SYF, not fighting to perform well for the choir."

I really think that's true, cox I'm doing that. During the mini reauditions, I always seriously giving my all and pushing myself as much as possible, all because I wanted a place for SYF. Of course, it's human nature. As humans, we are all selfish. Imagine there are 30 people in the room and only 24 buns left, of course everyone will fight for it. Who wants to sacrifice themselves for the good of others? No way. Yeah, so I guess fear is the only way to push us and make us go faster I guess :P So I'm gonna use this fear to push myself even more *_*

3 more practices to SYF, I hope it goes well.

PS: I'm getting back chinese papers tmr, wish me luck okay I think I'm gonna cry in school tmr. I pray so badly that I won't fail after that scare months ago.

Also, my chinese tutor just gave birth wtf, on the same day as xiaxue. So she won't be able to give me tution for a month. I guess that can be a good thing because I want to see if I still can cope without her, cox honestly she hasn't really been putting in much effort. I guess after a certain period of time people just slack off thinking you're ok with it?

Shall summarise today.
Choir practice.
PT was totally horrible cox I don't know what's wrong with my body but for the first time in don't-know-how-many-months I kena-ed the punishment fml. I think cox I felt like puking and ran 40 minutes right after eating brekkie -_-
Was really torturous singing for 3 hours and then had lunch :D Had apple juice and my cereal bar.
And then the rest was pretty slack cox we all had to wait outside for the SH choir so we played ball games. Had this masterclass for only 1 hour which was really really short.
Later had dress fitting and then I decided I must slim down to make my waste look more prominent :D And The dress was lose cox my boobs are damn small hahaha seriously my bust is less than 32 inches or smth wtf.

And then later at night my mum said I have to gain weight until 46kg fml. Ok I'm about the approach a really awkward topic so mind me. I haven't got my first period yet. Yeah, when everyone gets their period at 12/13 I HAVEN'T GOT MINE YET WTF. The nurses at the HPB during health check up warned me about it and told me that I needed to go for a referral but they have never gotten back to me heng ah.

So today my mum went back from the doctor's checkup and she said that I'm not having my period cox i'm underweight (She checked with the doctor) She made me calculate my bmi which was around 18. Actually the BMI system is for adults lor, not teens. Used another website to calculate my BMI and it's perfectly fine. If I'm underweight, that means confirm 50% of people are underweight right? Since almost everyone is skinnier than me :P But I hope I get it soon! God please let my period come I pray I don't care about the cramps. I mean it's really awkward when your girlfriends are discussing about how horrendous periods are and then you just sit there awkwardly nodding and smiling :( And I'm scared next time I can't conceive WTF THAT WOULD BE THEM SAD.

So she said I must gain weight or else I won't get it and I may have to see a gynaecologist by the end of this year :( Save me please I don't want anyone looking up my disgusting vagina that's so wrong. And then if I still don't get it I must draw blood to examine my homorones wtfwtf so kuazhang right. Idk lah.

Weight loss journey (part 2)

It's almost been a month.. Not really making progress but getting the hang of it.
Now I'm 43.8kg. At least now I'm below 44. But I really wanna go to 42 :( my weight when I was sec 2.
Well although it's only about 2kg of weight loss at least I lost 4% of my body weight? (Yay.)
But I'm really sad now cox yesterday I ate with the girls at Thai Express and really ate alot :( Oh no. And somemore I didn't feel full when all of them were full. Obviously my appetite is quite screwed.
Cannot eat carbs anymore. Cut down my carbs by a lot and now for dinner I eat less than 3 spoons of rice. Oh man, now it's even harder to lose weight during the holidays cox obviously I have to cut down on meals without my mum noticing.. Or else she'll just slaughter me for dieting.

PLAN: Eat as less as possible during choir camp. Shall eat a cereal bar for lunch with fruit only since no one will really monitor me outside school lol *_* Then I won't be able to snack cox there's choir. Ok I can do it.

Shall eat 饭菜 for the rest of the days for lunch and only eat broccoli, long beans and egg. YAY.

Let's hope I can be 42kg by the end of April :)) I'm going for a medical check up on 26 March so must lose weight by then *_*

Have been feeling damn cranky these days. Perhaps it's the lack of food. I got quite pissed whenever someone gives me more food. Really ruins my diet plan although I know they mean well and I keep thinking their trying to ruin my plan, i know I'm mad. Also, I get especially angry when people remark "YOU EAT SO LITTLE AH?" or "YOU ON DIET AH?" So what, like it's your business? I hate people poking into my food affairs and making comments on what I eat. It's rude. And then when I felt like I ate a lot I would be super moody at myself. Going crazy. I always get angry on Saturday cox it's my aunt's tuition. Her tuition starts at 5pm ends fucking late at 8pm. She thinks I'm okay with eating late so I got damn pissed. I mean it's a good thing that I get to skip meals but the problem is I have to eat dinz after that so that means I'll have bloating wtf. SO yeah, I think dieting is ruining my mental health. And no, I have no mental disorders, perfectly fine.

I think I really look damn fat. I hate my legs and my stomach. My stomach is still as flabby as ever and I need a flat tummy. I will continue to lose weight untio I get a flat tummy plus I reach my 42kg goal. I really hate my legs. I'm a pear shaped body so I have wider hips = thicker thighs = fatter legs. Sigh.

Shall do weight loss tips until I lose weight successfully HAHA.

And I'm glad I passed the audits :) But the comm said it was temporary so the conductor has the right to take us out WTF. He said we can't be too happy unless we thought we performed our best during the auditions. And then he kind of contradicted himself by saying that the people who didn't pass shouldn't feel bad -_- So serious for what.

It's like giving us a cake. And then this stupid guy says that although you will have a chance to eat the cake, the cake may just splat on your face or they may just take your cake away -_- Ok someone give me a good analogy.

And I'm really not coping well with my school. I failed my Chinese test, my LA is terrible, my physics and Bio are okay, my chem is one of the lowest in class :( I just can't stand the disappointment when I recieve my results. Why do I score lower than those who studied only the day before? I really put in a lot of effort.

Cried don't know how many times this year. Sigh.