Weight loss journey (1)

You may think "Oh no not another weight loss blogpost again where this delusional fat idiot fails to lose weigh again -rolls eyes- "

STOOOOP.

I hope this will be the last and final attempt to lose weight.

I feel like a fatass now ; Suddenly everyone who was damn fat lost weight... And I'm like "WOAH WHAT HAPPENED"

I really admire people who have the determination to lose weight *_*

For now, I'll try eating as little carbs as possible, only eating fruits for snacks, no fried food, no putting gravy on sauce (fml i'll miss my curry)

Current weight: 45.7kg or 100.7 pounds FML I'M SO FAT

Goal weight: 42kg or 92 pounds.

Hopefully it'll take 6 weeks? :)

Skinny.

Random pictures to inspire me to get skinny:







My "skinny" idol:

Cheesie! (cheeserland.com)
She's so skinny which makes her legs so long omg jealous *_* And she's only 158cm which means if I slim down I can be her size too cox I'm around her height!

Btw fml I have to go to my gran's house to help her prepare steamboat .__. 4 hours of my studying time will be gone. I was forced by my stupid aunty after she told me that my gran was getting old and what not GAH WHY AM I SO STUPID.

I hope you die.

I FUCKING HATE MY MUM.
SHE'S FUCKING UNREASONABLE. I HOPE SHE BECOMES MUTE SO SHE CAN SHIT HER TRAP AND DIES IN A HOLE.
EVEN IF SHE DOESN'T DIE, I'M GONNA SEND HER TO AN OLD FOLK'S HOME TO LET HER ROT TO DEATH THERE. IT'S HER RETRIBUTION FOR FUCKING HURTING MY FEELINGS.
Doesn't she ever consider how her harsh words can really make people break down and cry? Just a sentence can make me down and I feel like dying again
You make me wanna die.
If I left the world, no one would fucking care about me. Especially my mum.
No one cares.
When I was crying, have you ever comforted me? No, instead you choose to ignore me. Sometimes you scold me because you think I'm just making a big fuss of small things. You think that I'm being a little pussy, crying so easily. Sometimes you even MAKE FUN of me for crying. Never once for the last year you have ever gave me your support, you never really cared about me and understand me. All you care about is my brother, and you never did give your attention to me. I was expected to always give way to my brother just because he's "special", and I was always left out, neglected, lonely, no one to talk to except my friends.
FUCK YOU.
Not that she beats me or anything, but she's really causing my emotional breakdowns and abusing me mentally. Did you know that when I cry, 90% is because of family matters? DO you know how much happier I would have been without you?
You called me stupid today. FOR NOT EATING MY FISH OIL. I really feel like crying now. Do I really look like a little piece of shit to you?
If you see my self-cutting/getting into depression one day, you know why.

Faking smiles.

Is it just me or 2013 is getting worse by the day?
Every week is fucking horrible. Seriously. There can't be a day where I don't feel upset/feel like crying. Everyday, something always disappoints me and lets me down, someone criticizes me, someone scolds me, someone ignores me; it's a never ending whirlwind of negative emotions.
I just feel that it really isn't my fault and you all have to make life difficult for me, not caring if it hurts me or not.
Stupid troubles faced now : SYF, keeping up with studies, friendship problems, stress management problems, family relationships.
I feel that no one really cares about me. I don't know why but I never really felt the true meaning of happiness this year so far.
I feel like I don't exist in their world and treat me as an invisible person.
I feel that everyone communicates with me only because it's necessary.

Like yesterday, my tuition ended at 7.40pm and I wanted to go home for dinner. However apparently they thought I was eating on my own so they didn't buy any dinner for me. They offered to buy dinner for me and then I asked what's there to eat. My mum shouted at me irritatingly and said she was trying to help me but I was wasting time cox I should now what food choices there are. I just hung up.

Ended up eating tauhuay for dinner and felt like crying when walking home (almost, I didn't cry). How could they forget about me, and they didn't even show a hint of remorse and thought that I was in the wrong.

And today I spent $3 on photocopying the stupid poster for bio. And then my mum scolded me, saying I was stupid for not bringing the hard copy and said I could have saved $1.

SERIOUSLY, IS $1 THAT FUCKING IMPORTANT TO YOU?!
And then she gave a whole lecture about how I waste money and told me that we aren't so rich and whatever. Yes as I'm typing I feel like crying.
Is $1 really more important than your daughter?
Fine, let me give you your stupid dollar back and I'll just leave this home, okay? Happy? No one else to waste your money, no one else to irritate/bother you.

Everyday I feel the lump in my throat (when I'm about to cry) and swallow it, because I tell myself that I won't be such a pussy. EVERY FUCKING DAY. I hold back my tears, try to act as if it didn't affect me.

Can't wait to leave this screwed up place when I'm older.

I don't want to live in this kind of misery. Just let me die. I don't see any point of living, crying everyday, being let down.